swingcat89's Xanga

Propensity for busyness...

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 05:20:25 GMT

These days, I feel semi-retired...not quite working the usual 40 hours/week (more like a few hours 7 days a week) so I do have some time to pick up new hobbies. =) Been learning the trumpet (I feel sorry for my family and neighbors =p) and Korean....anyways, I think I have a small streak of sadism inherent in me. Maybe it's the shame/guilt driven Asian cultural background, but lately I feel like I miss being in the rat race...sure, I'm not earning as much as I used to make, but I actually miss waking up early, getting dressed, and stressing out over all the stuff I need to get done. But it's good that God has pulled me out of the race and is teaching me to wait on Him. He probably knew cramming those 2 master degrees in 2.5 years wasn't healthy and now He's been closing all the doors to secular employment so I can spend more time enjoying His presence and ministering to ppl.

As I look around me, I'm sadden that everyone around me is so fast-paced, glued to their blackberries/Iphones and running around like a headless chicken. Weekends are packed with social activities and church responsibilities and during the week, it's crazy/hectic. No wonder relationships (esp. in the church) are suffering...we're beginning to see worship on Sundays as a fast-food stop before we head back into our crazy schedules.

Yes, I'm learning that busyness does not equate to productivity, and that does not define our self-worth.

God bless the broken road...

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 04:10:42 GMT

This is one of the songs I sing at my friend's carehome...been thinking how God has led me this past year. It's definitely been a difficult journey. Like the quote in Spiderman, "with great power comes great responsibility", sometimes I wish didn't have this "power". But because God has called me to be a spiritual leader in a church (not just a side musician), I need to follow His calling. And right now, the stress and conflicts are causing me to lose sleep at night...sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. Sometimes I wish I was just "normal" like everyone else...but He keeps reminding me that this is where He's called me and that He'll be with me. Just like the apostle Paul who was about to go to Rome and face more hardships, I agree that:

"I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." Acts 20:24

I'm pressing on...=)

Aiming high...

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 05:25:10 GMT

2 weeks ago, some friends introduced me to gutter bowling...how it works is that the side rails go up and the goal is to get the lowest score. It's actually much harder than it looks. Cuz if the ball hits the side rails, it'll bounce (like in pool). As a result, it's quite easy to get strikes. =) Dude, I was surprised how high my scores were (I actually suck in bowling) =p Of course, I found theological implications in our simple game. How often do we aim low and then be satisfied with our goals? It's definitely easy to reach easy goals and then be content with our achievements. However in reality, we are allowing ourselves to fall into a cycle of mediocrity and forget that God has created us for a greater purpose. So these days, I've been grateful for the "sandpaper people" in my life (those who rub me the wrong way). Because of them, I've learned to develop more love and patience, as well as emotional endurance. I'm also grateful for those who initiate deep conversations...cuz life's too short to spend it on superficial pursuits and being content with knowing ppl just on a peripheral basis.

Missing real interaction...

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 23:19:18 GMT

Lately, I've been feeling that my "social interactions" have been limited to the virtual world - Facebook, texting, blogs, and emails. Whatever happened to chilling in a coffee shop and chatting it up? Reminded me about a paper I wrote on cell phone culture...=) After a semester of doing research and asking random ppl on the street about their cell phones, I've come to a conclusion: that technological advances have stifled our inability to relate and have stunted our socio-emotional growth. Just the other day, I observed my family all in the same room, but not talking to each other...one was listening to her ipod, 2 on their laptops, 1 in front of the tv. Can't believe just 10 years ago "family time" would consist of walking in the park, going to the beach, having a bbq, etc. It's time to hit up those community venues again and invest in the only thing that will last on this earth - relationships.

Seeking confirmation...

Tue, 26 May 2009 04:33:29 GMT

So often, we think we know what's best and forget that life is about faith - taking it one step at a time. God already is in control and sees the big picture...yet, why do we think we can run our own lives? Been learning that obedience isn't easy...right now, I feel like Jonah. I wanna run away and escape...think my current ministry position is stressing me out. I think it's partly when a volunteer disposition becomes paid, the fun and joy are no longer there. And then being in a Korean church has its own drama...maybe I should go back to my Chinese roots. Miss Canto ppl....but God's telling me that here is where He wants me...even if it kills me. Saying "yes" to one thing means "no" to others...got 3 other places asking me for help - San Jose, Hawaii, and even Hong Kong.

But it's clearly San Francisco right now because God's confirming it with each person He's placed in my life.

Keepin' it real...

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 06:04:27 GMT

I think a large part of ministry involves initiating and just getting involved with ppl's lives...maybe that's why I have this reputation of being "busy" all the time...it's cuz I have too many ppl in my life and that I care too much. =p Had some unexpected hang out times this week with ppl I don't usually hang out with. Realized that when this happens, I need to:
#1 drop my agenda so I can make time for them and
#2 God's challenging me to love and listen to those who are totally different from me

     One big lesson I've learned in seminary (as well as my ethnographic research in Thailand) is that everyone has a story, but we don't slow our lives down enough to listen and to care. I guess it was easy to find ppl in Thailand to interview cuz their lives aren't as fast-paced as here. There were plenty of women chilling at the marketplace that I developed friendships with. Ah, miss Chiang Mai.
   Anyways, we're so quick to judge (usually on superficial terms) and then treat that person according to our assumptions. This week, I listened to two friends...and they shared their story. Surprisingly, both had sex and drugs as a part of their past...one even had some gangster connections. 10 years ago I probably would've been judgmental and legalistic and disassociate from "these ppl"...but now, I'm learning so much more about grace. Was I shocked to hear their story? No, not really...just glad that they trust me enough by being so vulnerable. The past is the past and now, we are all new creations in Christ. (2 Corinthians 5:17). As my circle of friends expand, God's bringing me into new territory and I'm glad for this challenge...grew up as a sheltered church kid, so I don't know nothing about the real deal. But glad I've assimilated into my "ghetto" environment and can code-switch easily...that is, shedding my academic vernacular and adopting ghetto talk so I can chill and kick it in my hood. =p
     Yeah, I'm tired of sheltered-momma's boy-prayers (prayers that are safe to share)...what's really going on? Please don't hesitate to share with me...I'd love to pray for you.

Contentment...

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 05:54:39 GMT

Lately, I've been feeling quite discontent. Guess I've been disillusioned with unrealistic expectations after graduation...sad to say, I fell prey to the American dream. Was hoping that my 2 master degrees will lead to financially stability but God had greater lessons for me to learn.

He's been asking me:
Can you trust Me when you're currently making significantly less than your previous pre-grad school/secular employment life?
Do you believe that I have a plan for you when I called you to this little church near your house (with so many struggles and issues)...and that your ministry location is not Asia, but San Francisco?
Can you see that I'm developing your character by placing difficult ppl in your life?

Yes, that's what FAITH is all about...as a pastor friend puts it, it's Forsaking All, I Trust Him. It hasn't been easy, but there's nothing more exciting, more fulfilling, more meaningful in life than following Him. Like Job, I need to repent in ashes because I don't deserve anything...yes, Lord...I trust in You.

Vacation's over...

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 10:58:59 GMT

I woke up this morning and got stressed thinking about the stuff that's waiting for me to get done when I'm back in the States...weddings to plan for (one in Hawaii...yup, still a wedding musician), music lessons to arrange, and church stuff...i think 2 weeks in Hong Kong is more than enough...got sick the other day while hanging out in Kowloon with some friends. =( I think it's cuz I've been eating, shopping, and hanging out non-stop...in addition, all the smog and 2nd hand smoke here just made it worse. Before, I was living the life of a nerd, always at home studying...now, it's hedonistic living...so my aunt dragged me to the doctor and he gave me a ton of pills...since I can't swallow, it's been torture...but I'm feeling much better.

Anyways, I'm glad I got a chance to know my relatives better. Since they don't know God yet, I decided to skip church (yup, twice) just to spend more time with them. After all, like Jesus said, it's the sick who need healing, not the healthy. Well, the difficulty of living in a collectivistic society is that there's no privacy...(doesn't help that my room is the livingroom) =p But, I have been praying a lot more...when I'm in the shower, bathroom, and when I'm alone (which is rare).

Do I want to come back and maybe settle here permanently? Maybe...so many more opportunities here for work and ministry.

Chillin' in Hong Kong...

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 09:38:55 GMT

I think I can live here...=) I've learned enough bus/subway routes to get around and speak well enough to blend in (but of course, everyone here can detect my English accent). =) But yeah, it's my first time spending Chinese New Year in Hong Kong - it's awesome! I had dimsum with a ton of relatives today, met some for the 1st time, and received a lot of lysee (red envelopes). Despite the eating and shopping like crazy lifestyle here, life's been quite simple the past few days. Spent a lot of time walking...exploring some new parts of HK and just looking at stuff. Only thing I'm not used to is the cold...can't believe it's like SF cold, foggy and everything. I should've packed warmer clothes...I guess since I've only been here when it's hot, I wasn't prepared for the cold weather.

But it's been a very productive couple of days here...got my hair straightened! =) got my HK citizenship! and bought stuff for my family...I think I'm ready to come home. =) I miss my friends, family, and musical instruments. haha

What a week...

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 04:36:48 GMT

Finals (last one ever!), Korean church bbq dinner (yay, kalbi and chapche!), graduation and party afterwards...Christmas caroling...then preaching this Sunday on a last minute notice...yes, very last minute. Pastor got sick and I was contacted the night before...around 6:30pm Sat night. Yes...it's been quite a week. Thank God for back-up sermons from my preaching class. =) On top of that, I had a huge conflict with a friend. Talk about Korean drama...yelling on his end, crying on mine (cuz I don't handle emotional outbursts very well). But I'm glad it's all over...guess that's part of growing, learning, and maturing.

Now that I'm done with seminary, it's time to recover from school and party! =)